Today Is My Birthday

I turned 45. Life still goes on. Luckily. I no longer have a yardstick or goal list for my professional life - it has taken too many twists and turns to necessarily keep that on track.

Big Picture: thirty years ago, I wanted to make my living as a writer. That's what I put down as my career goal on all of my college applications. And that's what I am. That's what's I've done to pay the bills for most of the last 23 years.

I just didn't realize at the time writing would get me into so many different fields: high tech, banking, finance, healthcare. Jobs I never thought would need a writer, like long term insurance agency auditor. Yep. Hard to believe, but true. I was in the accounting department at an insurance division of American Express, (I wasn't in their nice Manhattan office, I was in the Marin County, Calif. office. I loved the location; commuted over the Golden Gate bridge every morning from San Francisco where I lived, to an office just down the road from George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch - still one of the best/most beautiful work locations ever) and worked with accountants writing up audit reports. They actually hired me because of my English degree. This was 1990, and 5 yrs. out of school, I had never had a non-publisher, tell me they needed my writing services. I was there for 18 months. Not a fun job, but eye opening as to all of places I could go {humble nod to Dr. Seuss}.

Anyhoo, personally, eveything's cool. Husband, kids (I had my first at 38, so no one was more surprised than me, that I actually like this mommy stuff, and appear to be okay at it). Physically, that's what giving me pause. Each birthday I have sworn I'd be thinner. I tip the scale at 207 lbs. At 5'3" I am officailly a big girl. I've been that way for awhile, but 200 was always an inconceivable point for me, especially when I was in my 20s and my weight hit 125 and I couldn't get to a Weight Watchers meeting fast enough.

I long for 125. I long for those thighs and a waist that doesn't rest on my thighs when I sit down. I didn't really know how to cook much then and I certainly had no money to eat out when I was in my 20s and living in Edinburgh/NYC/Boston/Sacramento/San Francisco.

I was hoping to be thinner by 35/40/45. No go. But one unexpected thing about childbearing, it brings greater body-awareness, whether you want it or not. I'd like my old body back. Not the 38 year-old/pre-kid body, but the 25 year-old-pre-pre-kid body.

My question is, how? No time machine here. How do you become an athlete at 45? How does someone who hates athletics, sports, the gym go about changing? What do I have to do to stop over-eating or eating late at night (my personal faux pas)? Those are my questions and this is my quest. Becasue asking these same questions at 55 - not an option.

Stay tuned

Not at home now

Recently I took a job with a contractor to work as a communications specialist at NIH. I'm in a tech-heavy division. I thought about changing the name of this blog, and I still might, but for now it reminds me of those great days at home running a house. It was a lot more running around and far more work than I anticipated (getting the kids off to school, entertaining a 2 yr old, cleaning, cooking, managing our bills, writing, looking for clients, dealing with downer-naysayers, volunteering, etc.), but being a stay-at-home mom/writer was easily the most emotionally rewarding, interesting, straight-up fun, and creative job I have ever had. I started my own communications company, and while I'm still working at it, learning ways to increase business, dreaming up story ideas and marketing campaigns was/is fun. Most nights I got about 2-6 hours sleep, but still I was/am working for myself and that makes all the difference.

My company is making some steady money. From it's first year to now, income has increase markedly, but still not enough to stave off a job outside the home, unfortunately.

The last time I did a full-time-commute-to-work-job, I had one child. Now I have two little ones. Everything is so much harder, it's unbelievable. Particularly since I am still freelancing and getting new clients. The work nights after my kids go to sleep [I made sure to tell clients that my work hours were primarily 9 pm to 2 am] are still there, and I still have to get up just as early. But now instead of using the time to get one kid off to school and the baby up, fed and dressed. I rush around getting myself ready, grabbing breakfast and coffee and heading out. My commute is 1- 1.5 hours and it blows! Big time. I usually miss dinner time and breakfast time.

The job is fine, but my ultimate goals remains working productively and successfully from home. Supporting my family without commuting 12-13 hours per week, would be a soulful, wonderful thing. My husband would never consider a commute this long. His work is 10 min. away. But I've been doing bullshit commutes this long since I was 13 and it never gets any better. My high school was 2 hours away by bus and subway. College at Brown was immediately easier because I got back 4 hours of my day. I'm 44 now, subtract the time at college, and some other rare occasions when I lived close to work, and I've been commuting at least an 1 hour for about 25 years - and through 3 VWs.

I'm afraid to add up how much of my life has been spent commuting so I will skip doing the math. Even books on tape and NPR can't make constant traffic interesting. I will say I get more done during the day now that I don't have to jam everything I need to write into a 2-year-old's nap time. When I write now. I move pretty fast. It was a skill I had to develop 'cause I never knew how much time I had before I'd be interrupted. It's training that serves me well.